Cody had a round of bad seizures again today - 4 in 40 minutes.  I am in close touch with his neuro but am at kind of a loss as to what to do for him.  Diastat curbs them - but I hate giving it to him again.  Please pray for him if you have time, or don't mind.

Yesterday Veronica and Clay came over at 9am and stayed till 6pm!  These are two youngsters who gave us their WHOLE day!   I can't tell you how amazing it is to have someone say, "you have the whole day - we'll take the kids - do whatever you want!"  What a gift.  Veronica is Cody's former nanny so I knew he was in great hands.  Don went for a jog, mowed the lawn.....I worked on some school stuff, went shopping (all by myself and actually took my time!)....Don and I went shopping together.  It was pure bliss.  Thank you, Veronica and Clay!  We owe ya!!!

And today, Loretta came over to watch Casey while Shoshannah watched Cody - we had a big school meeting.  Wouldn't you know Cody had his big seizures while we were gone and poor Shoshannah had to administer diastat all by herself?  Luckily she'd been well trained and had seen me do it twice before.  She was a trooper - and Loretta was a key player because Casey gets scared when Cody has seizures and screams.  Then Loretta stayed thru dinner and fed Casey so Don and I could focus on Cody.  Anytime I shake my fist at God over this trial, He always brings the same thing to mind - His saints pouring out their lives on our behalf.  He sends people our way that blow us away with their generosity.  We can't deny His fingerprints all over our lives.  Carol comes tomorrow to help me clean.  Kim came over last week.  When we went to the E.R. Tori came over to watch Casey and Terri and Denise - all took shifts - because of my panicked phone call on the way to the hospital.  We are surrounded by those who serve our son - and us - with so much loving kindness.  How could we be downcast?

Our sermon Sunday was awesome too - Pastor Robert talked about the Israelites wandering in the desert for 40 years.  After seeing God's miracles of parting the red sea and such, they still chose unbelief.  There was the promised land waiting for them, but they chose to grumble, they chose not to trust God, and there they wandered in that desert.  He talked about how many of us wander -- when the promised land is awaiting us.  We choose to sit in disbelief...in misery...in a lack of trust...instead of stepping into the abundant life we are promised.  I know I'm guilty of that.  I think when you're the parent of such a sick child, you figure there is no "promised land" - this is it - pain and torment your whole life.  But the Bible promises something different altogether.  It promises abundance - here on Earth.  Heaven awaits...but abundance is waiting for us here too...if only we'd step into it.  Now that doesn't mean "healing" for our little ones, unfortunately.  But it does mean that this doesn't have to be a prison sentence.  To me, it means that even in THIS, God promises to give us abundance.  Even IN this!  So I try to attach myself to that - to look for that - to dream about that - and to pursue that.  I don't know what abundance looks like with a child like Cody - but God does.  I can't imagine abundance, to be honest, with a child so sick....but God can.  So it's my job, as I see it, to let go of my measly imagination and trust.  Trust and look for the abundance He promises.  Trust that there is a dream to be had - that this is not a prison sentence - but rather an avenue for Him to unleash His grace into my life in a way others may never experience.  Where sorrow exists, grace exists all the more.   

Now mind you, on a day when Cody had 4 huge seizures in 40 minutes and now lays like a zombie - this is not easy to write.  Right now I can't imagine much more than a life of seizures, pain, valium, and no sleep.  But there's more - it's a promise.  That gives me hope.  What's the"more" in my life?  Where does this story take me?  How will God transform this agony into "abundance?"  That's what I'm waiting to see.  And that's what I'm trying to trust Him for.  It's not easy.  Going to bed knowing I'll probably be up all night and then face another day of the same -- that's not easy. 

But today I had a rare glimpse into what it's all about.  I'm not someone who has ever "heard God" -- He doesn't speak to me audibly.  But this morning, both boys woke up promptly at 6am.  I had a huge day ahead of me - a big school meeting this afternoon - a day of preparation ahead where I had to squeeze in a shower, writing notes for the meeting, meals, diapers, naps, etc.  So I went about the business of my day - I fed Cody, then fed Casey.  I changed poopy diapers on Cody 4 times.  I changed Casey's poopy diaper.  I put Cody down for a nap.  I put Casey down for a nap.  I finally sat down for 15 seconds to eat something myself.   Before I could get to it casey cried so I rushed in there and rocked him back to sleep.  Then I saw the mound of dishes and attacked them.  I cleaned the living room of the hundreds of toys scattered about.  I did some research on the surgery we're considering for Cody.  I rememberd I hadn't eaten so I sat down again to wolf down a bagel.  Then within an hour both boys were up - napped and ready to go all before 10am! 

I sat there holding them both - each needing yet more poopy diapers changed, snacks, bottles, games played, books read....Cody needed his meds.  As I sat there, although it wasn't audible, I heard an inner message to my heart -- it said "I see you."  I stopped.  I heard it.  I looked up.  "I see you."  It was such a sweet moment.  As if the Lord Himself took time to let me know - that nothing I do goes unseen, un noticed.  Even my daily grind - the diapers, the meals, the meds -- He sees it all.  And for a moment I felt that abundance.  That I wasn't alone.  That what I do matters.  That even though these little boys don't "see" it - it IS seen.  Even though my husband doesn't "see" it - it is known.  God sees my mothering...He knows my struggle...He attends to me throughout my day.  I found great comfort in that moment.  Great abundance.  Simply feeling His pleasure.  Knowing there isn't one more inch of myself I could give these children.  Or this house.  Or my husband.  I am being poured out in service to my family.  It is a high and Holy calling.  And though my life doesn't look like most -- it has abundance.  God reveals it to me every day - even on days when Cody topples over with seizures non-stop. 

I pray He'll continue to show me abundance - overwhelm me with it.  I don't want to be like those Israelites wandering in the desert - so close to the promised land and yet so far.  I want to place both feet firmly on the soil of it - to run to it - to live in it - the promised land. 

love,

Shawna