Oh my - Don took Casey to visit his parents last night so I've had Cody for over 24 hours all by myself.  WOW.  I have not sat down yet.  Here's a glimpse at our life in the last 24:

Cody finally fell asleep last night at 10pm only to pop awake at 6am sharp!

By 6:30am he was bored and clamoring to go outside.  I, however, was comatose on the couch.

I cook him breakfast - waffles with blueberries and almond butter on them.  At least he's confined to his high chair and I can turn my back on him without fearing he'll have a seizure and face plant on the floor.  Then I try to keep him occupied in the play room with various toys which he only chews and throws aside.  I try to keep him from eye poking from boredom.  I dare to try to answer an email at my desk (which overlooks the playroom) only to hear the hugest gutteral "blaaaaaeeeech" and look to see that he's stuck his hand down his throat and thrown up his entire breakfast on the floor, on himself, on his toys.  And he stands there trying to do it again.  I flip out, grab the Resolve and run into the playroom and start scraping up the vomit.  I turn around and see he's gone - I run through the house, "Cody!  Cody!"  HOW could I turn my back on him?  I find him in the bathroom with his arm in the toilet water up to his shoulder.  I drag him to the sink, soap him up, and clean him off.

I take him to Fred Meyer to get him out of the house.  After 5 minutes in the cart he starts to scream.  He screams the entire time I shop. 

We do ABA therapy - he hates it today.  But we manage to get about 3 programs done.

We stop at the park on the way home.  After 5 minutes, he wants out of the swing and back in the car.

After 5 minutes in the car, he screams to get out.

We get home and I give him a bath where he can usually stay happy for at least a half hour.  He demonstrates his new sensory obsession - scratching himself till he bleeds.  After trying to stop him from scratching for 5 minutes, I pull him out of the bath and slather him with antiseptic lotion because he's scratched himself to death.

Back in the playroom - he's bored.  He starts to scream.  I take him on a trike ride which occupies an hour.  We do pecs the whole time - he wears his communication book and has to choose between "trike" or "rings" each time I stop him.  Trike is new, so he chooses "rings" a few times.

Back in the house.  He's bored and screaming to go back outside.  He wants in the car.  After 5 minutes in the car, he screams to get out.  We stop at another park and the minute he gets out of the car he flings himself onto the gravel and buries his hands and feet in it, rolls around in it, then screams to go in the swing.  Finally - for the first time today - he seems happy in the baby swing with his long skinny legs almost scraping the ground.  He wants out to feel the gravel, then back in the swing, then out, then in.  My back is killing me!  He won't walk back to the car so I carry him - it's a long walk.  Why didn't I bring a stroller?

Home and dinner - a veggie muffin, pasta pick-ups, and applesauce.  Because of Cody's discoordination all over his body, he often doesn't chew his food enough.  Especially things that will "slither" down his throat like hot dog pieces, pasta, etc.  He's swallowing his pasta pick-ups whole.  So I crumble a tiny bite of potato chip on it - on the advice of his feeding therapist.  She said if he senses something crunchy, he'll chew the pasta with the chip.  It works a few bites.  Then, because of that same discoordination, he chokes a lot.  Yep - choked on the tiny (TINY!) fragment of a chip - and barfs up his entire dinner thus far.  Poor guy.  I vascilate between such deep pity for him - and wanting to SCREAM at all the barf I've had to clean up today!  And all the healthy meals I've cooked that have wound up on the floor instead of his tummy.  No wonder he's a string bean!

Sigh.

We try some more ABA therapy and he does really well.  He has a program called "play skills" where he puts blocks in a big bucket.  Today he did 4 consecutively with no cues from me - 100% five trials in a row!  Yay!  That ended the night on a high note.  Jammies on...binkie in...and snoozing by 8pm thankfully.

I am exhausted.  That boy NEVER stops for even a second.  Dishes are piled up, laundry's undone, the playroom's a mess, the nursery is a tornado.  I dared to watch Bridget Jones Diary after he went to bed last night and I'm kicking myself for not being productive instead.  Don - COME HOME!  :)  Daddy will be here soon and so will little brother.

I also have to say that I didn't much like today.  Without the distraction of Casey, I think way too much about Cody - and life - and it's just too sad.  I was clipping his toe nails and I thought to myself, "I wonder if I'll be doing this when I'm 70 and he's 30?  And who will do it after I'm gone?"  I can't even write such thoughts without wanting to cry.  I manage to evade such ponderings most days because of sheer busy-ness.  But with just Cody and me - my thoughts turn to those fatalistic things.  How is he going to swing when he's too long for the baby swings?  His feet literally almost hit the ground.  And he'll never have enough coordination to balance on the bigger swings.  What will happen when he's too big for a stroller?  I find myself thinking often that way - the "what ifs" of when he gets older, taller, more of a man.  As if I don't have enough on my plate with a whole summer before me and a child who gets bored of whatever he's doing every 5 minutes!  There's a reason that "give us this day our daily bread" is such an important piece of the Lord's prayer.  We're not supposed to worry about what we get tomorrow....how we will eat or drink...what we will wear...who will take care of our children!  Give us THIS DAY, our daily bread.  I need not ask or think of tomorrow's provision.  Or yesterdays.  Just know I'll have enough grace for today.  Please, Lord, help me remember this.  You are in control.  You have Cody's future in Your sight.  Give us this day our daily bread.  We focus on today, we trust You for tomorrow.

love, Shawna