Hi all,

I'm much more mobile today - whew.  Compared to what the E.R. Doc told me to expect, this has been so much better.  I can walk around pretty well with this aircast on - even carry the baby - and even carry Cody!  I think God may have given me a boost in the "foot healing" department.  Seriously.  The Doc, ("Appleton, here") said it was a bad torn ligament - but this recovery has been quite more speedy than he anticipated.  There's a huge blue bruise where my toes used to be - but that's okay.  So..............what did I do tonight as my right foot healed?  I leaned down and grabbed the gigantic box of dish detergent out of the cupboard, and proceeded to drop it on my left foot!  Right on the toe - and right on the pointy edge of the box.  I thought I'd broken it for awhile - ever get that pain so quick and severe that you think you're going to throw up?  yeah - that kind.  But it's getting better finally.  WHAT IS MY DEAL???????????  I better stay away from moving vehicles and not walk under any ladders or I'll kill myself. 

Good seizure day today.  Altho Cody is having such troubles sleeping.  Last night he stayed up till 11:30pm, then got up at 2:30am, 3am, 4am.....probably some medicine side effect that's surfacing out of the blue.  And he can't nap during the day.  He tried so hard - lays there in his bed and closes his eyes for so long - but just can't get to sleep.  Poor thing.  His eye poking it totally out of control.  He tried to make himself throw up a dozen times today.  He's regressed so much in school and now that he's not understanding how to communicate with his PECS system, his negative behaviors seem to escalate more every day.  He's off school for mid-winter break and the down-time doesn't do him any favors. 

I am still working hard to advocate for him in the school system - please pray for me.  It is stressful and difficult to say the least.  And I see my son regressing before my eyes.  It is heart breaking. Please pray for him to have access to the very best education for him.  Whatever that means.  This 3rd year of his life is so critical - he's still able to build new neuropathways and turn around some of his developmental delay.  But not if he keeps regressing so.  I'm learning more than I ever wanted to know about "special needs law" and advocating.  My plate was full to the brim before school issues came along - now I am stretched beyond what I thought I could be.  Yet -- God is giving me strength for the day.  I keep waiting for life to get easier, and it doesn't.  As my friend reminded me, when you have a disabled or special needs child - this is what you get.  A lifetime of fighting.  A lifetime of battles.  Fighting Dr's.  Fighting the school system.  Fighting people's perceptions and judgements.  Fighting for sleep, for your marriage.  Fighting the financial drain of medical bills.  Fighting the state to get respite or benefits.  She helped me remember that you can't die for each fight.  You have to commit to the marathon.  Every fight can't be all or nothing.  Every separate battle can't take the life out of me.  It helped me put things in perspective.  I have to breathe.  I have to rest.  I have to ask for help.  Mostly, I have to allow the Lord to carry this burden because I can't.  But turning it over to Him - ah - that's the tough part.  Cuz then I have to trust Him with it!  And what if He doesn't do things my way?  What if things don't go my way?  Then what?  Isn't that why we all hang on to stuff?  Because to hand it over to Him would mean *maybe* it won't go the way we want it to?  *Maybe* we'll have to settle for what He wants?  Yet -- isn't what He wants supposed to be what we want?  I have it so backward.  I want God to get in line with my desires and what I KNOW is right.  He's probably waiting for the same.  So until one of us gives in (gee, wonder who that will be?) it's a tug of war - an arm wrestling match.  And to quote a bad church billboard, "when God seems distant........guess who moved?" 

I keep saying, "come on, God, let's go!  Make this mountain move!  You can't want THIS!  This is horrible!  THIS can't be Your will!"  All the while I'm making my phone calls, reading my important books, making lists of things to do.  And He's probably just saying, "Get out of My way, Shawna!  I'm trying to do something here and your ceaseless striving is circumventing it!" 

So often, when we give something over to Him we expect it to change.  But often it doesn't.  There's the rub.  The circumstance doesn't change - but we do.  And that's His business.  Making us holy.  It's the old adage about the grain of sand in the oyster.  With enough pressure and irritation, the oyster turns that grain of sand into a pearl.  Without it, it would be a crusty dusty speck of sand.  With the adversity - it becomes a gem.  There comes a time with a child like Cody where you come to that crossroads - "he's not getting any better."  You grapple with that question.  You ask where God is.  It reminds me of a friend who has a child much like Cody - a challenge in so many ways.  Her counselor said, "how do you do it?  How do you manage this life of yours?  How do you survive when your child never changes?"  Her answer was............"she's not the one that needs the changing.......I am." 

love, Shawna