Today we got the news we've been dreading, our dear little boy in Nepal who has felt like family to us....passed away.  I don't know any details other than what I've posted.  I must have sent out dozens of emails trying to find help for him - I tried to be as involved in his little life as I could be from so far away.  Saying we 'sponsored' him is so trite.  We hung on every snippet of info we got about Buday.  We prayed for him every single night...without fail.  We had pictures of him posted in our home.  Casey asked to see his picture online at least 3 times a day.  He was family to us.  God gave me a mother's love for him.  I was invested in him.  Yet for all my efforts - I could not save him.  He lived a tragic life in the world's eyes.  He spent most of the last year wandering the streets, labeled an 'untouchable.'  He found no love, no warmth, no family.  He was completely alone.  Maggie Doyne saw his plight and wrote about him - tried to help him - but she also, in the end, could not save him.

Don and I have shed many tears today.  Tears for Buday and the lost life he should have, could have, had.  Tears because we know that Cody would have been him if he'd been born in Nepal.  The idea of Cody wandering the streets, wandering up to strangers for food or help only to be pushed away....it makes me sick, mad, sad, crushed.  There is an invisible thread between Buday and Cody.  Don feels it as I do.  They felt like one and the same at times - so similar. 

Certainly it brings to mind those questions that have always haunted me....why?  what's the point?  why pray?  why so much tragedy and pain?  why CHILDREN?  I have no answers.  My friend said it well, "Shawna, the only thing I keep falling back on is that this dear boy was fervently prayed for and that the Lord deemed it better to take him home now rather than keep him here to suffer more agonies than we dare imagine.  Ours is a merciful God and He in His mercy chose to take Buday to heaven to be with Him, no longer clothed in a body that didn’t work right and no longer alone, but now basking in the love of God Himself."

The God I know, the God I love and serve....did not answer my prayers as I saw fit.  And that is hard.  The first words out of Casey's mouth this morning were, 'want to see Buday'.  I didn't know what to do or say.  I went to the photo taped to my cabinet and casey asked to hold it as he always does.  Do I tell him? 

I decided not to - he had just found out a couple of days ago that Buday finally gotten a 'mommy' in the 22 year old who pledged to take care of him.  I was so excited to report to Casey that day that God had answered our prayers for a 'mommy' for Buday.  I just couldn't tell him 2 days later that Buday had died.  So we'll let it be....too much for a little boys brain to comprehend. 

I hate seizures.  I hate what they do to these precious little children's brains.  I hate what they do to their lives.  Just today Cody had a 2 minute seizure when he was away from me and I got the phone call.  Then another one in the bath tub - lifted out naked and stiff and turning blue.  A day full of such trauma - yet it has become commonplace for us.  On top of which I had a meeting with the school for which Buday's death had left me shaken.  I had a dentist appt. where I was inverted for 2.5 hours with drills and fillings dancing in my head.  I am ready to put this day to bed. 

There will be a void tonight when we say our prayers.  A void shaped like a precious 12 year old boy from Nepal.  But the good news is that he no longer needs our prayers - he is finally complete.  And one day we will meet him face to face on the other side.  Buday has gone on to his reward - and has left us behind.  Our loss is his gain.  I heard a great illustration of death once.  A group of people were saying goodbye to loved ones leaving on a ship for a long voyage.  As the ship sailed off into the distance the crowd waved - the longing for the faraway passengers already setting in.  But on another distant shore, the ship was arriving - and a crowd awaited joyfully as the ship sailed toward it's new destination.  I imagine that as we say goodbye to Buday and grieve the loss - there is a crowd on a distant shore waving him in....joyfully....and a Savior who has Budays name written in the palms of His hands.  A Savior who can finally show that little boy the tenderness and love that he never knew on this planet.  And that is a good thing.

with love, Shawna