"He shall sit as a refiner and purifier of silver" (Mal. 3:3).

Our Father, who seeks to perfect His saints in holiness, knows the value of the refiner's fire. It is with the most precious metals that the assayer takes the most pains, and subjects them to the hot fire, because such fires melt the metal, and only the molten mass releases its alloy or takes perfectly its new form in the mould. The old refiner never leaves his crucible, but sits down by it, lest there should be one excessive degree of heat to mar the metal. But as soon as he skims from the surface the last of the dross, and sees his own face reflected, he puts out the fire. --Arthur T. Pierson

"He sat by a fire of seven-fold heat,
As He watched by the precious ore,
And closer He bent with a searching gaze
As He heated it more and more.
He knew He had ore that could stand the test,
And He wanted the finest gold
To mould as a crown for the King to wear,
Set with gems with a price untold.
So He laid our gold in the burning fire,
Tho' we fain would have said Him 'Nay,'
And He watched the dross that we had not seen,
And it melted and passed away.
And the gold grew brighter and yet more bright,
But our eyes were so dim with tears,
We saw but the fire--not the Master's hand,
And questioned with anxious fears.
Yet our gold shone out with a richer glow,
As it mirrored a Form above,
That bent o'er the fire, tho' unseen by us,
With a look of ineffable love.
Can we think that it pleases His loving heart
To cause us a moment's pain?
Ah, no! but He saw through the present cross
The bliss of eternal gain.
So He waited there with a watchful eye,
With a love that is strong and sure,
And His gold did not suffer a bit more heat,
Than was needed to make it pure."

June 10

Oh my word - our little one was dedicated at church today.  What a drama.  I bought him the CUTEST outfit on the planet (see photo) - white satin vest, blouse, shorts, and hat.  I told myself over and over...."keep your expectations low.  this outfit will likely be trashed before you hit the stage.  he will probably kick the pastor in the head during the prayer.  just LET IT ALL GO."  I "thought" that was my attitude going into this morning.  Of course Cody had been having horrible seizures all weekend which adds stress to the day.  I haven't slept a wink in 4 days because I have a terrible cold again.  Our hot water didn't function today so Cody got to take an ice cold bath.  Our camera broke at the last minute.  And to top it off - as I put his beautiful pure white shirt on him, he proceeded to throw up HOT PINK raspberries all over it.  Okay, I take responsibility for feeding him some raspberries for breakfast - bad call.  But it was at 6am and we dressed him at 10am.  I figured I was in the clear.  But as fate would have it, 'UUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRPPPPP' and out it came covering the front and sleeve of his beloved white dedication outfit.  Now anyone who reads this knows I'm a religious person.  However, there was a stream of expletives that came forth from my mouth - and even I didn't know I knew many of these words.  Apparently I'd "let go" of my "LET IT GO" attitude and suddenly this was just the last straw.  I found myself barking, "why do I even bother?  why do I try so hard?  I just wanted it to be a special day" as I was scrubbing his outfit with bleach cloths.  Enough of the stain came out so that it would at least look good from a distance and we were running late so we ran him outside for a quick photo (and any parent of a special needs child knows there is NO such thing as a quick photo).  He bellowed, wrenched, kicked, stuck his hands in his mouth.  No good photo was to be had.  So we piled in the car, all in a bad mood, and went to church.  Sigh.

Once there, everyone's delight at seeing Cody dressed up perked my spirits (and not one person noticed the raspberry stains!)  He was actually really well behaved during the dedication - he reached over and stroked the Pastor's beard (my little sensory driven boy!) it was so cute.  he was well prayed for and the church also dedicated themselves to coming alongside him and demonstrating the love of Jesus to him.  A big warm fuzzy all the way around.  moral of the story - it all turned out fine.  my ranting and raving was for naught.  The best laid plans ("LET IT GO") most often go awry.  Cody was fawned over and adored all day.  And the stains didn't ruin one thing. 

Go figure!

love,  Shawna

June 13

Please pray for our little guy if you are a pray-er.  Beginning last night he embarked on a string of huge seizures - the kind where he turns blue and stops breathing for over 2 minutes.  I have no idea why.  I thought he was having gas pain and usually my intuition is right.  His tummy was rumbly and he was doubled over.  At 8:41 pm he's had 7 of the beasts so I finally gave him rectal diastat - the rescue med that is a tranquilizer and is supposed to help calm his nervous system.  He fell asleep almost instantly.  He was just out of it all day.  He even had one at his autism class - of course during the only 5 minutes I stepped away.  I came back to find him in his therapist's arms...Jill is awesome and did a great job of caring for him in my stead.  Please pray that whatever is causing these seizures is revealed so I can get him back on track.  These never ever happen for no reason - they are always linked to some kind of stress on his body. 

Thanks so much!

Shawna 

June 14

THANK YOU for those who prayed for Cody - I received emails from many of you and can't express my gratitude enough.  Today he had no seizures so I'm thinking your prayers helped greatly.  Last night he had a huge one and after I gave him the diastat (rescue med) he fell asleep at 5:45pm...and slept till 3:30 am....at which time he popped up like a monkey ready to party till dawn.  Dawn and I looked at each other at that hour and cringed.  We knew there was no getting him back to sleep.  So we sat on the couch (how many other couples have quality time at 3:30am?) and talked and played with him.  Cody was in such a great mood it was hard not to smile - even on no sleep.  And he didn't take a nap all day so he is currently conked out again at 8pm on our living room floor.  But NO seizures today.  I'm hoping the 3-day spell of gastric problems is over. 

Boy is baby MOVING! I swear my stomach moves 6 inches left to right every time I look down!  He is getting ready to meet the world, that's for sure!  I had a day at the spa (courtesy of my husband for mother's day) with my friend Kim and boy was it lovely!  I had a pregnancy massage, pedicure, and we had lunch.  Pretty much every holiday that would be my dream gift - pampering! 

I must run cause Don is finally home and dinner is ready - please keep praying for Cody though.  It has been so long since he's been well.

with love,

Shawna

June 15

Well we're back at it again.  Out of nowhere tonight he's had 3 back to back horrifying seizures.  I have no idea why.  I am SO frustrated and mad at this entire illness.  It will be yet another night of no sleep - of a rescue med - of another weekend devoted to seizures.  Sometimes it just all feels like too much.  It's just too harrowing to watch your child go through this time after time (after time.)  With no way to help him.  I thought the last seizure attack was gastro-related but this one I have no idea about.  He had no seizures yesterday and was just fine today till 7pm hit.  I'm so tired of playing detective.  So tired period.  Thanks for the vent.  I have nothing too positive to say at the moment.  The writing is on the wall - this will be an all nighter. 

June 16

Still in the seizure zone - please keep praying.  He had 7 overnight and we were up all night.  Had another few big ones today.  I just have no idea what's brought on this attack - please pray for the source of these seizures to reveal itself.  He could be coming down with a cold, could be gas pain...who knows!  Thanks so much for checking in. 

Shawna

June 17

Happy Father's Day!  Ours has started off with a bang - Cody got up at 5:15 am.  A little earlier than usual.  My loving husband didn't wake me but kept him occupied till 7:30am so I could sleep.  I've been so tired this last month of pregnancy - it was a gift!!!  Then daddy got his presents - a handmade card by Cody from his school class.  It's a huge green piece of construction paper with markers scribbled all over it.  His teacher wrote "Happy Father's Day!  Love, Cody" and it will now adorn Don's office wall.  Too cute.  Then he got his present from mommy - a luxury massage at Gene Juarez!  Our family is keeping them in business.  Poor Don hovers over a computer all day at work and his upper body gets so frozen - he'll love the massage.  I told Don my biggest wish was to give him a seizure free little boy on Father's Day....but that doesn't seem to be in the cards.  Cody had a better night - no seizures overnight but a huge one this morning. 

I read the following father tribute on msn today - I've posted before about "Team Hoyt" which is the most inspirational story I've ever known.  It gives such vision to a parent of a child with special needs.  Makes you realize you can live a life of victory despite your challenges.  There's an AMAZING video of this father/son story at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-uulmhtAeGI and here is the son's tribue to his father today.  Again, Happy Father's Day to you dads out there - you are heroes!

------------------------------------------------------------

My name is Richard E. Hoyt Jr., and I have cerebral palsy. I cannot speak or walk. To write this story, I'm using a computer with special software. When I move my head slightly, the cursor moves across an alphabet. When it gets to the letter I want, I press a switch at the side of my head.

I am half of Team Hoyt. We are a father-and-son team, and we compete in marathons and triathlons around the world. Our goal is to educate people about how the disabled can lead normal lives. We started racing in 1979. My high school was having a road race to raise money for a lacrosse player who was paralyzed in an accident. I wanted to show this athlete that life can go on, so I asked my dad if he would push me. My wheelchair was not built for racing, but Dad managed to push me the entire 5 miles. We came in next to last, but in the photos of us crossing the finish line, I was smiling from ear to ear!

When we got home, I used my computer to tell Dad, "When I'm running, I feel like my disability disappears!" So we joined a running club, had a special running chair built, and entered our first official race. Many of the athletes didn't want us to participate, but the executive director of the event gave us permission. Soon we were running three races a weekend, and we even did our first double event a 3-mile run and a half-mile swim.

Dad held me by the back of the neck and did the sidestroke for the entire swim. We wanted to run in the Boston Marathon, but we were not allowed to enter because we had not done a qualifying run. So in late 1980, we competed in the Marine Corps Marathon, in Washington, D.C., finishing in 2 hours, 45 minutes. That qualified us for Boston!

A few years later, after a road race in Falmouth, Massachusetts, a man came up to my dad and said, "You are quite an athlete. You should consider a triathlon." Dad said, "Sure, as long as I can do it with Rick." The man just walked away. The next year, the same man said the same thing. Again, Dad said he'd do it, but only with me. This time the man said, "Okay, let's figure out what special equipment you'll need."

So on Father's Day in 1985, we competed in our first triathlon. It included a 10-mile run, during which Dad pushed me; a 1-mile swim, during which Dad pulled me in a life raft with a rope tied around his chest; and a 50-mile bike ride, during which he towed me in a cart behind him. We finished next to last, but we both loved it. Soon after, we did our first Ironman Triathlon. We've now competed in more than 950 races, including 25 Boston Marathons and six Ironmans. During every event, I feel like my disability has disappeared.

People often ask me, "What would you do if you were not disabled?" When I was first asked, I said I'd probably play baseball or hockey. But when I thought about it some more, I realized that I'd tell my father to sit down in my wheelchair so I could push him. If it weren't for him, I'd probably be living in a home for people with disabilities. He is not just my arms and legs. He's my inspiration, the person who allows me to live my life to the fullest and inspire others to do the same.

Happy Father's Day, Dad. And thank you

June 19

Hi there - still seizure-ville around here.  I've been up since 2:30am because of them.  I took Cody to his pediatrician and he checks out fine altho my hunch is probably right - the Dr. said he had an extreme amount of "stomach gurgling" which would suggest gas or some other intestinal distress.   So I've been feeding him oatmeal and toast...bland bland bland.  Isn't helping yet.  We may try a dairy free and/or gluten free diet (ugh) to see if there's a certain food that's tweaking his digestion.  Such a mystery.  He's been pretty out of it - lethargic and kind of loopy from the extra bigger seizures.  We'd still love prayer if you're up for it.

I went to my O.B. today and found out baby will probably be in the neighborhood of 9 lbs or 9.5 lbs.  Compared to Cody's 11 lbs...that's a relief.  But still SO big!  Can't wait to meet the little guy but Don and I both wish we had about another 9 months to get Cody's troubles under control before we have another new one in the home.  But alas - nature does not wait and little one will arrive in early July!!! 

At 2:30 this morning - woken up by Cody's seizures - I couldn't go back to sleep because of his tossing and turning so I reached for the only book in our bedroom and it turned out to be an old copy of "The Purpose Driven Life."  Have you read it yet?  I read it awhile ago but was happy for the refresher.  I especially like chapter 6 because it takes about how "Life is a Temporary Assignment."  Here are some exerpts that helped me put our suffering into perspective:

"Earth is only a temporary residence.  You won't be here long so don't get too attached.  In California, many people have moved from other parts of the country and are required to carry a "green card" which allows them to work here even though they aren't citizens.  Christians should carry "spiritual" green cards to remind us that our citizenship is in Heaven. 

The fact that earth is not our ultimate home explains why, as followers of Jesus, we experience difficulty, sorrow and rejection in this world.  It also explains why some of God's promises seem unfulfilled, some prayers unanswered, and some circumstances unfair.  This is not the end of the story!  Paul was faithful, yet he ended up in prison.  John the Baptist was faithful but he was beheaded.  Millions of faithful people have been martyred, or have lost everything.  BUT - the end of life is not the end!

Life on earth is just the dress rehearsal before the real production.  What is it going to be like in eternity with God?  The capacity of our brains cannot handle the wonder and greatness of Heaven.  It would be like trying to describe the Internet to an ant.  Futile.  But the Word does tell us that in Heaven, we will be reunited with loved ones who are believers, released from ALL pain and suffering, rewarded for our faithfulness on earth and reassigned to do work that we will enjoy doing. 

June 22

I *think* I may have stumbled upon what was causing so much digestive distress this past week.  The gastro Dr. had Cody on 2 different types of laxatives - Miralax and Senna.  I believe the Senna was causing stomach cramping.  At least that's what I contend.  So I took him off it yesterday and today - no seizures.  We'll see if my theory stands over the next few days.  It's SO classic that in an effort to help your child, you actually sabatoge them.  Senna is an all natural vegetable laxative and for some reason it just didn't seem to agree with Cody.  I pray this is the solution!! 

I also pray our home stays illness free till the baby's born.  Please feel free to join us in prayer!  :)

Other than that, a pretty uneventful last few days - other than seizures and no sleep which is just commonplace around here.  Cody's learned to say "mmmmmmmmmmmmm" when he wants "more" food which is a huge deal for us.  It's at least the beginning of a word! 

Baby is kicking up a storm and I get bigger by the day.  Last night at Bible Study a hush fell over the room when I walked in - then came the comments:  "wow!"  "you're huge!"  "are you okay?"  Haha.  I make big babies - that's all there is to it.  I've had a really nice pregnancy -- so I can't complain that these last couple of weeks are a bit harrowing.  Having trouble breathing...so I have to sleep with two pillows propped up under my arms.  Having trouble sleeping cuz in addition to those pillows, I have to have one between my legs.  Needless to say turning over is an act of God Himself!  Then if you factor in the 5 times a night I get up to go to the bathroom - it's quite a comedy of errors.  But all that's common pregnancy woes - nothing special.  I'm getting my hospital bag packed this weekend just in case!  SCARY! 

Here are a couple of prayer requests for the birth...1)  HEALTHY CHILD (of course - everything else is miniscule by comparison.) 2)  Successful breast feeding.  Cody had reflux and nasal regurgitation from day 1 and breast feeding was never successful.  I pray I can breast feed this little one as it was devastating for me to have to not be able to breast feed Cody for more than 4 months.  3)  Safe delivery - wisdom for the Dr. and precision, skill, etc. for the procedure.  THANKS!

That's it for today - glad it's Friday, aren't you?? 

love, Shawna

June 26

This is our 5th day with little or no seizures.  Ever since I stopped that one laxative.  He's had a few mini ones, but none of the big, huge whoppers.  I may have stumbled upon the culprit.  However, last night he tossed and turned *all* night and moaned and whimpered in his sleep.  It was Don's night and he got literally no sleep, poor guy.  And yesterday during Cody's nap he woke up screaming bloody murder for 5 minutes!  Not sure what that upset is all about.  So far it hasn't created more seizures so I'm just thankful for that.  We go to Children's Hospital today to see Cody's gastro Dr. and to try to sort this out further.  I'm trying to stay steady in the hope department cuz just when we've had a few seizure free days, something usually comes out of the woodwork and he goes into a few day spell of big ones.  For now, I'm grateful for what we've had - a few seizure free days. 

And without seizures, you should SEE him.  He's smiled for 3 days straight!  His teacher yesterday said she couldn't believe how much he smiled and interacted.  Despite the weird sleep whimpers, he literally has smiled non-stop.  It's so much fun to have him like this.  And proof that those seizures rob him of so much life.  In their absence, he is so happy.  In their presence, he is checked out...kind of "gone".  So we're trying to take one day at a time and just pray that one more day, one more minute, we can be seizure-free. 

And we've been so blessed by friends of late.  My dear friend Tina came up from Battle Ground to visit this weekend.  We must have talked for hours.  We talk while cooking, while taking care of Cody, while in the car, while waking up and going to bed...so much to catch up on.  She's the type of person who could talk about a shoelace and I'd be fascinated.  LOVE her.  Then on Sunday our buddy Robert showed up and spent 5 hours in our lawn.  Our outdoor grass had grown over 3 feet high!!!!!!!!!  We haven't lifted a finger out there since we moved in - just so busy.  He mowed our lawn, helped with the property, and did oh so much!  He even figured out our sprinkler system which was a  mystery to us!  We saw a bunch of hoses and heads...but never knew how it all fit together.  Amazing how much it means to receive that kind of help, time, and sweat on our behalf!  THANKS!

I still have a list a mile long to "get done" before baby comes.  We'll see how many things I cross off.  Seems with each I cross off, I have to add a new one - you know how that goes.  At whatever point the baby comes, I'll just have to call it good wherever I am on that list.  But there are some "have-to's" like installing the baby's car seat, getting our camera to work, pay bills, etc.  So those will go on top.

The harder it gets to breathe, the more anxious I am to deliver!  Altho I'll be swapping one pain for another - the pain of major abdominal surgery and it's aftermath.  Not looking forward to that.  I remember my first C-section being fascinated at how many things I used my stomach muscles for!  Poor Don had to literally pull me out of bed amid my screams because sitting up from a laying down position was murder.  Even moreso, I dread poor little Cody wanting up on my lap all day as he does now.  It just can't happen with a big bunch of stitches.  I pray he'll adjust to all the changes and cope well.  Add that to our prayer list if you might. 

Speaking of him, it's breakfast time - gotta run.  love to you all!

June 26 (cont)

Good news is so rare to us, I try to write it down whenever we get it!  We just got back from Dr. Wahbeh, Cody's gastroenterologist at Children's Hospital.  We LOVE Dr. Wahbeh.  He's one of the few Dr's who scoops Cody up in his arms when he sees him and says, "Hi Cody!  How are you?!?"  He knows he won't get an answer but he makes sure that the first thing he does is acknowledge and love on my son.  LOVE that about him. 

I was so caught up in reporting all the seizures that have been associated with Cody's gastro problems...that I stopped myself and blurted..."WAIT!  I forgot to tell you!  He's stopped throwing up!"  The Dr. looked shocked.  "What?  that's FANTASTIC!"  If you're new to this blog, you wouldn't know that 2 short months ago Cody was throwing up 50-100 times a day.  NO JOKE.  He threw up in my hair, on my clothes, on the nanny's hair & clothes, on strangers, in the car...pretty much 24/7.  It was called "rumination syndrome" and he was (this is gross) basically doing it as a form of self stimulation.  That's a short explanation for a very rare and complicated syndrome.  But let's be honest, do you really want to know more?  Didn't think so. 

That to say, he stopped doing it about 1.5 months ago.  He went through a month and a half of being sick with a cold, then pink eye, then double ear infections and that upset seemed to get him out of the habit of ruminating.  He hasn't done it since!  Isn't it funny how we don't really stop to appreciate and be grateful for something...instead we move on to the next crisis to tackle?  Once the rumination stopped, I chose to then obsess about all Cody's other problems without realizing how much better my life had just gotten! 

Dr. Wahbeh reminded me.  He said, "Shawna, this is a developmental MILESTONE!  This means that he has developed out of that primal need for sensory stimulation and he's finding other ways to get that need met.  That means he's maturing developmentally."  Yahoo, I say!  It was SO nice to have a Dr. take a minute to give some praise and some hope.  And to remind me to STOP and be grateful instead of rushing by a victory as I freak out over the next fire to put out.   He also gave me a nice pat on the back and said that I had paved the way for this to happen by being so proactive in my pursuit to help him get beyond the rumination.  After every meal, I'd instantly take him and rock him hard in the rocking chair and sing to him, make faces at him, anything to stimulate him.  Dr. said that probably opened the door and when he got sick, his body did the rest by distracting him from the habit of throwing up. 

Okay, you've probably read the word "throw up" more times in this post than you ever cared to.  But hey, it's GOOD news for once!  I must celebrate the victories so I am.  Cue the marching band.  Cue the balloons and the standing ovation.  Cody did something remarkable!  And today I am grateful.

Shawna

June 30

Poor Code-man threw up for 3 hours today - and minutes later was bounding around the house like he was perfectly fine!  I have no idea what's up with him.  He had some bigger seizures this past thurs/fri...breaking his "6 days of seizure freedom".   He is a mystery man.  I pray this is not the stomach flu because I don't want to get it on the eve of giving birth!!

What help I had this week!  Kim and Austen Wed/Thurs...Margaret and Marisa Fri...SO nice to be back home and surrounded by such loving and giving friends.  I got to run some much needed errands - went to a Dr. appt. - and got some stuff done around the house.  I'm at the point now where I seriously just can't lift Cody's 40 pounds so help is needed most of the time.  It's so hard to have to ask so often for help - but being humbled is a good thing.  I pray I can return these favors one day - altho I know they are given with "no strings attached." 

Today Don is busy installing the new baby car seat and we're packing our hospital bags "just in case!"  We can't believe we're about to embark on a family of 4!!  It'll be interesting to see if this baby takes after me or Don.  Cody has my coloring to a "T" - I wonder if this new little guy will be dark haired and skinned like daddy?  We'll see!   

Hope you have a blessed weekend!  I hope we're out of the woods and Cody's little vomiting session was from yet another upset tummy rather than the flu!

love, Shawna