Oy vay - our buyers cancelled at the last minute.  Can I just say to anyone who has moved a lot in their lives - bravo!  It is INSANE!   There were no problems, they just decided they wanted a different set up.  So we wasted 2 weeks with our house off the market plus we have to begin showing it again which means not getting anything else done.  But what can you do?  Just go with it - as we do with everything else in life. 

We are trying to pack and get ready to move in between showings and Cody management.  Last night he had a cluster of seizures at 1am - about 7 within a half hour - so we had to do the dreaded rescue medicine again.  Rectal valium.  What a concept.  His cold is really doing a number on his seizures.  Poor guy.

We gave away our beloved cat, Cooper this week.  What a drama...I just love that little guy.  But he needs more love and attention than we can give with Cody's issues and a baby on the way.  He loves his outdoor walks (yes, on a leash!) and we just never had time to take him.  His new owner walks him regularly and also gives him play time and he sleeps on her bed!  We had to shut him out of our bedroom because Cody sleeps with us.   He is so much better off but it was such a hard decision.  Ultimately, I knew he'd be happier this way.  As Cody grows, it's only going to be more and more of a problem keeping them separated.  As it is, Cody grabs for Cooper's tail anytime they're near each other and gives it a nice yank.  ouch!  Coop took it well but it wouldn't be long before he chose to retaliate and I couldn't blame him!  So that's been a big life change.

We also said goodbye to our dear therapists at Pride (Cody's school.)  Each day there were fresh tears as we said goodbye to his teachers of speech therapy, occupational therapy (twice a week), and physical therapy.  Each therapist has literally become family to us and Cody has been woven into their hearts as they have been woven into ours.  I can't imagine life without these people - we have spent every week with them for over a year!   One of the therapists is who took Cooper in fact!  They all showered us with presents and cards.  So hard to leave - but so warm and wonderful to see my child so well loved.  I think it's the secret fear of a parent with a special needs child - that people won't really "see" the child as you do.  They might get caught up in the weird behaviors, be afraid of the biting, or just be intimidated by his delay.  But these people embraced him - quirks and all.  They couldn't have loved him more - just as he is.  And that's this mother's dream - for people to truly cherish and see the beauty in her child despite traits that the world labels as "disabled" or "delayed." 

We've also had tons of help from our home group - last night Noland and Kathy stayed till almost 11pm watching Cody so we could pack.  They had a pizza going away party for us this week.  These are the same folks who have fasted and prayed for Cody over and over the last year.  So hard to say goodbye. 

But we are basking in the love and support we feel - and are thrilled to call all of these people friends.  Don's family has been a huge help too.  Nanny and Boppy are here today helping in fact!  We will miss being close in proximity to his family for sure but plan lots of visits back here.  And this move will put us closer to my family and esp. my mom who has not had an easy road of late.

That's it for now - must go keep packing!  I'm starting to show so that's an added interesting element!  We find out if it's a boy or a girl in 2 weeks!!!  Course I"d love a pink and fluffy little girl who I can play dress up with and paint her fingernails with sparkly polish and all that other girly stuff.  I am a girly girl for sure - my favorite color is pink.  I'm instantly drawn to anything shiny like sequins, sparkles, and yes....diamonds!  haha.  I love crafts, shiny lipstick, little purses and all the like.  But I'd dearly love another little boy - Cody has been so much fun and he is SOO loving of his mommy!  So healthy is our hope - boy or girl! 

love, Shawna

Feb. 11

wow - guess I haven't posted in a bit!  I had Cody alone all this week so I've been, well, very busy!  Don started his new job last Tuesday and LOVES it!  I stayed behind to continue packing and such - with the Code-man.  Friends Kim, Austen and Tori made the 5 hour round trip to spend the night and work like you've never seen!   Oh, such friends - I am blessed!!!  They packed up much of our house - I participated but with Cody to tend to plus 5 months of a pregnant belly - I'm kind of a pathetic packer.  Weird to see the house so bare.  Hard to leave the home where Cody was born and raised for 2 years.  Must be even much harder for those who have raised their kids in 1 home and wind up moving. 

So today, we head up to the Eastside to start a new chapter!  No new home yet - ours here just sold (to a super neat Christian guy) - so I begin looking tomorrow.   It's not an easy task to find a 1 level that's got enough space for four people.  But Cody can't do stairs so well so a one level it is.  It will be such a relief not to have to carry Mr. 40 pounder up and down the stairs 10 times a day while 5 months pregnant! 

Speaking of that, we find out the gender in about a week! 

This has been a rough seizure week for Cody - Thursday night he had about 20 seizures in two hours.  I had to give him two rectal doses of a rescue med and that didn't even stop things.  I was about to put my jacket on and head to the E.R. when he finally fell asleep.  Still had a few overnight but they calmed down thankfully.  Don was gone too - which made things really tough.  It's quite a feat to give him the diastat alone.  And I had quite my crying spell watching him convulse pretty much non-stop. 

Yesterday was better, but I fear that's because he was doped up on valium.  Today, at 8:15am, he's already had 3.  We did get in with a new neuro at Children's but his first opening isn't until May - wouldn'tchaknow.   We'll just keep his neuro in Portland till May.  It was an act of God to get into this guy at Children's too - I had to fax 50 pages of medical notes, find his original films for his Catscan, MRI's, PET scan, etc.  That kind of stuff takes FOREVER.  

That's our news for now.  Oh, one more installment from "Cody Graves to Cody Graves!" is attached.  The back story is that someone named Cody Graves emailed me from this site.  He said his friends googled his name and, of course, this site came up.  He read up on Cody and sent a note that he was praying for our little one.  Here's my reply to him & his follow up letter:

"Dear Cody - I like you already cuz you have the coolest name on the planet! 
haha.  Our Cody's middle name is Donald...what's yours?  Where do you
live if you don't mind me asking. We're in Washington state - moving up to
the Seattle area next week.

Thnks for your kind email and most of all the prayers.  Our dear Codybug
could use them.  You are right, he is a fighter for sure.  He's endured
more in his short 2 years than most do in a lifetime.  H does have lots going for him - including a great name, huh!?!

All the best to you, Mr. Cody Graves!  From Mrs. Don Graves and little Cody
Graves!"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Hello
Sorry it took so long to get back to ya,  I just had a birthday recently.  
I am from Boone, Iowa and I work in Ames and in Boone. I also believe me and
the big guy have AWSOME names, quite possibly the coolest names any great
parents can think of!  My middle name is jackson, my mother told me that she
was actually gonna name me michael. And I am really glad she didnt go with
that. Might be a little weird today.  But thats just a funny little story
she told me.  I hope she wasn't serious. So what do you two do for a living,
just curious, Have a good day. Oh another thing, as a Cody, high fives rock,
so you should try those out, cause that'll make anybody feel good :)

Hope to hear back from you.
Cody J. Graves"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

How cool is that?  I just love our new friend Cody! 

love, Shawna

Feb. 16

I haven't had internet access for awhile - sorry for no updates to those dear friends who actually check in regularly!  Can I tell you how blessed I am when someone notices I haven't posted in awhile?  Makes me realize that there are so many who truly care and want to keep up on this crazy journey.  Makes me feel like we're not alone!! THANK YOU.

So we're in Bellevue!  Hurrah!!!!  We are at a gorgeous little cabin on Lake Sammamish till we find a house.  Tight quarters but very cozy.  I've been smiling for a week now as I drive up and down 405 seeing all the familiar exits...driving past my favorite old restaurants...listening to Ichabod and the waking crew on the radio....and mostly connecting with old friends who are once again in the forefront of our lives!  I feel so happy.  Cody has taken the transition well so far.  We started him on an additional drug right before we came here so I was a bit nervous but we haven't seen one of his huge seizures where he stops breathing for over a week now.  He still has 6 or 7 of the littler ones a day but they are all about 20 seconds.  The other benefit of this new drug is it puts him to sleep within about an hour of taking it.  So he gets a dose before naptime and bedtime and for the first time in his little life, he is going to bed before midnight or 1am every night.  It seems to help him sleep through the night too.  Used to be he'd be up for a couple of hours in the middle of the night routinely but now he can sleep through with a few pats on the back and soothing tones from mom and dad when he gets restless. 

We've got our house search narrowed down to 4 places - we'll pick the final one tomorrow and put in an offer.  I have to say, after living in the country - it is earth shattering to see what we get for the money up here.  WOW.  We will be living in a one story because Cody can't do stairs very well - and they are so much more expensive than 2 story homes!!  So we're looking at older, smaller places...and trying to remind ourselves that what's best for Cody is what's best for us as a family.  I will miss our acre + property and nice new home.  But what's important is now in a 1 level, Cody won't have to be corralled in a play yard - he can walk throughout the house and out into the yard and car without a huge flight of stairs in the way.  And even better?  This VERY pregnant person won't have to haul him around on her hip up and down those stairs!  I can't believe my back has survived.  At barely 2 years old, he weighs 40 lbs.  No easy task!  And we view this home as a transitional one - till he can do stairs (at least I pray he'll be able to one day) and we can move into a nicer multi-level home.  So I figure we can do anything for 2-3 years!

I already feel so much more spiritually invigorated.  Our beloved Calvary Chapel Eastside has embraced our homecoming and it is such a warm fuzzy to be back with the church family we missed so much.  They have arranged for Cody to have one on one childcare at church every Sunday which we've never experienced before!  We have always gone to church separately while the other of us watched Cody.  To be able to get in the car as a family and drop Cody off with the other kids like we're plain old 'normal' folk will be amazing.   That's the kind of church we go to - one that makes sure no one is left out.  We can't wait to waltz in there and sit and enjoy a service together!  I've had people already watching Cody for me - friends who have never even met him but who already love him.  In short, we are thrilled to be among so many helping hands and hearts.  We are the luckiest of people on the planet with such devoted and compassionate friends.   And as I get bigger by the day (ugh) - those helping hands will be needed!  Especially when it's time to unpack and move into a new house!  I so look forward to being settled and done with this transition.  Till then, we press on and press in!  God has been faithful every step of the way and He always will.  He goes before us in every move we make, and flanks us as our rear guard.  He is behind, before, and aside.  We are blanketed by His love and grace and basking in his favor that He has allowed us to return here. 

love, Shawna

Feb. 18

Hi all!  Wow things are moving fast!  We found a great house and put an offer in this weekend.  We will be dealing with a relocation company that owns the house and they aren't in the office till tues. cuz of the holiday weekend so we won't know their counter till then.  The house really is perfect for us - one level and not too old (1988).  Way better than we thought we'd find.  The best part is that it's a completely open floor plan - basically two big great rooms - the kitchen and the living room - and they're both connected so Cody can roam freely for once without having to worry about stairs and all.  It's 3 bedrooms with vaulted ceilings, a nice wrap around deck, a backyard big enough for a swing set and play area, huge kitchen....only drawback is a steep driveway which will give me lots of exercise pushing the stroller up it every day after our daily walk!  It's in a really nice neighborhood too which is hugely important.  Great school district.  We feel really fortunate and pray for favor with the seller to accept our offer - and for no other bids to out-do ours!  We asked for a 2 week closing which would put is in there mid-march.  I hope it pans out!  This house was head and shoulders above the others we saw. 

We spent a wonderful day with our dear friends from "Two or More" church - which is a church I went to long ago before joining Calvary Chapel Eastside where we now go.  They are a small home church who have consistently prayed for us and written us encouraging cards and notes the whole time we lived in Battle Ground so it was great to reunite now that we live close again!  We ate, prayed, chatted....and just hung out.  They all loved Cody and he loved them.  It feels SOOOOOO good to be "home" once again. 

Cody's doing pretty well on this new drug, "Trileptol."  Today he only had 2 small seizures - his best day in weeks.  And he's sleeping really well thanks to this drug which I think could be part of the reason his seizures are down.  Usually the little guy ran on very little sleep so this is a God-send....literally!  I am so grateful that during this big transition, he is doing so well seizure-wise.  It would be all the more stressful if he weren't!

Today at Two or More, we discussed suffering...and how missionaries and martyrs often had such other worldly responses to their sufferings.  We heard about one man in prison who was set free - but CHOSE to stay because his witnessing for the Lord was g0ing so well within the prison walls.  AMAZING.  Amazing. 

We talked about Romans 8:28 "And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose."  We discussed how usually when in a trial, we think "hmmmm...how is God working this for MY good?"   But the scripture also points to the fact that God works our suffering for good for other believers.  So it's a good reminder for me to say, "I must look for ways that God might use (redeem) this pain and suffering in my life........for the good of OTHERS!"   It gives purpose to the pain.  It helps me look outside the grief and search for what God IS doing to redeem this trial.  Because He IS redeeming for good.  Scripture does not lie.  He's redeeming it for good in my life, and in the life of others who are touched by my trial.  Good words for me to remember.  Life gets so myopic.  Our trials seem so personal.  Yet I forget how many dozens of people are observing HOW I move thru this trial.  From doctors to friends to strangers.  Am I emitting the fragrance of Christ?  Am I being a victor instead of a victim?  How can this trial benefit others I come in contact with?  Am I reaching out to other parents of children with seizures who don't know Christ?  Am I relaying the hope of Jesus when people often ask me "how do you do it?"  Am I choosing to present my child as "disabled" or "delayed" --- or am I simply introducing him proudly as my dearly loved son who is perfect in every way?  A parents sheer unconditional adoration of a special needs child who is loved just "as they are" is the best witness of Christ's unconditional love for us. 

Often when people meet Cody they look at him and wave or say "hi" and I instantly explain away his indifferent response with "he's not so big on eye contact" or "he's delayed so he can't really respond to you" or "sorry....he's kind of in his own world...he has epilepsy."  Why do I do that?  Why not just say what I truly believe:  "isn't he a doll?"  or "I just love my son and he's the light of our lives" or "he is so special to us."  I make excuses for him - somehow assuming that the person looking at him is thinking he's too different....or something's wrong with him...or he's not normal.  Why do I care?  Why do I take responsibility for what other people might assume or think?  Treating him as unblemished and without defect is how I see him.  Why wouldn't anyone else?  And if they don't - that's their problem.  Granted, I am find with answering kind questions about why he may not be making eye contact.  Or why he is wobbly when he walks.  But I find that i don't even wait for the questions - I just explain his "quirks" upon meeting anyone.  Dumb. 

Having a child like Cody provides such lessons - it's a constant process of growth and maturing.  And that is just one of hundreds of ways God is working this trial for our good. 

love, Shawna

Feb. 20

It's a boy!  Just had the ultrasound today.  I've had a feeling all along it is a boy but still held onto the thought of frilly pink dresses and barbie dolls just in case.  It's an adjustment thinking of another boy in the house - plus a future full of burps, odd smells, and sports!  haha.  Truth be told, I'm just grateful to be pregnant and that the baby looks absolutely healthy so far.  I think my paranoia about a boy is linked to the fact that boys are much more prone to get infantile spasms than girls.  But that's in the Lord's hands.

Must go, just wanted to share the big news for now.

 Shawna

Feb. 26

As you can see by the 6 days since my last post, we've been very busy and haven't had continual access to the computer.  But the great great news is, our house in Battle Ground closes Wednesday!  We spent this weekend down there packing, packing, and um......packing.  What a pain!  Luckily Cody's much loved baby sitter Kristin Jones came by to spend some time with him so we could get stuff done!  And Sunday Don's parents and sister Lani came by to help too.  Many hands make for lighter work, that's for sure!   Cody, trooper that he is, has managed all these changes of location very well.  He smiled a foot long smile as we put him in his ceiling swing again at our house...I don't know if he's advanced enough to have 'missed it' but I do know that when he got back in...he was beaming.  The last 2 days have been probably his best in the last 6 months.  He only had 1 seizure per day which is amazing...and was the smiliest, happiest we've seen him.  For the longest time he'd almost lost his smile.  It would take 20 minutes of us doing our goofiest songs and dances to coax one little smile from him.  But the last few days - we could just cross our eyes or give him a raspberry and he's grin from ear to ear.  And a few bounces on the knee would make him laugh out loud!  Very unique for us and such fun to see his little personality again.  I upped his dose of Trileptol Friday so I'm hoping that's what we can attribute the change to.  Altho this morning he's had 2 seizures already and one was pretty ugly.  Oh, Lord....PLEASE please please let us stay on this good course.  We are so used to seizures that a life without them is almost unimaginable.  But we got a taste of it this weekend and it was grand. 

As far as the new home search goes, we've put in an offer on a house that we really do love and still (grrrrrrr) haven't signed the final papers.  It's a relocation company handling the house and they seem to be in no hurry to respond.  We agreed on a price and now are haggling over inspection issues.  But we are hoping to close friday this week and spend a week or two having it painted and carpted.  Plus, we are planning on knocking out a wall that separates the breakfast & living room so that I can have a visual on Cody from anywhere in the house. 

I am getting more pregnant by the moment.  Amazing how it sneaks up on you about the 5th month!  Baby is moving up a storm - feels like a giant butterfly in my tummy 24/7!  The ultrasound showed that he is perfect so far - no sign of any problems.  whew.  I'm getting more used to the idea of another little guy running around the house.  I think I secretly fear that I'll be left out a lot - with the guys being into their sports and cars and all that.  But I've made Don promise that I will be the princess and that occasionally the guys will cater to my need to watch love stories, go shopping, and sing around the piano!  My friend Kim reminded me of one great reason the Lord may have provided a son rather than a daughter.  As Cody gets older and probably hits the 6 foot + mark....I just may need the strength of a 2nd son to help with his big brother.  Although I pray it isn't so, it just may be the case that Cody is in diapers for a long long time.  And as he grows in size into his teens it may be impossible for me to manage lifting him and managing him alone.  So God's providence always wins out and I accept the lack of lace and glitter, prom dresses, lip gloss and barbies.  And I embrace the idea that these two little boys will be best of friends and this new baby brother will guard and protect his brother Cody as they grow.  Don will teach the little one how to throw a good punch if anyone makes fun of Cody.  Okay, not so Biblical - but still something dad will probably do anyway!   :)   And I know this new baby boy will grow over the years to have a special heart of compassion and tenderness because of his big brother.

Well - must go cuz Code-man just woke up.  We're off to the grocery store, and then the pediatrician.  Have a great Monday everyone.  We keep you all in our prayers.

love, Shawna

Feb. 27

well...so much for the new drug.  Yesterday and today we've seen 3 of the "turning blue, 2 minute long seizures" we've come to dread - and we hadn't seen in weeks.  The worst by far happened moments ago in his highchair.  Now he's conked out.  It's moments like these when my inner monolouge turns to:  "don't EVER hope again!  it's just too devastating when these seizures come at us with such force.  if you just expect seizures - you'll never be this crushed."  Course I know we're not meant to just "fear the worst" in life all the time...to live in the territory of "life stinks and I'm waiting to be proven right."  However, I've yet to find a healthy, bearable place to exist within hope.  These seizures literally take moments off my own life each time - watching Cody contort and stop breathing then pass out whimpering.  Each one brings fresh tears.  After two days with only 1 small seizure each day - my mind races at the idea that *maybe* there's hope that these life robbing evil things are leaving our world.  I smile a bit more - I feel lighter.  I start imagining Cody's development taking off.  I even dare to picture us on vacation somewhere and Cody being able to swim without worrying that a seizure will topple him underwater for good.  Then, inevitably, every single time...they come back with more force than ever before.  As if someone or something is taunting me - laughing at my ridiculous idea that life will ever be anything but this torture.  Then I sink back into reality - how will Cody ever be able to walk freely around this new home as we dream - when at any second one of these could knock him off his feet and crash him to the floor or into some object.  How will I ever be able to breast feed with Cody having seizures in front of me - having to go to him - while holding a baby?  Will he have to wear a helmet?  How can I ever leave him with anyone else - a sitter - with these horrid things that freak everyone out?  Will I ever, ever be able to take my eyes off him for 1 second?  The fear floods.  And I know where it comes from - the enemy of our souls.  Satan feasts on my fear.  I know that in the Lord there's a place to live at peace with these seizures - but for the life of me I cannot seem to find it.  Maybe it's a process and I haven't arrived at the end.  Maybe there is no end - but a constant effort to find Him in the midst of this.  I was just so hopeful - so hopeful that this was the end of these beasts.  Getting mad at God does no good....I've tried it.  Getting mad at Don does no good - tried that too.  Getting depressed does no good.  I have so many swirling emotions and am left only to place them at the Lord's feet - hoping that somehow He will take the burden from me.   Oh please pray with me that these will leave our lives - and leave us alone.  God doesn't need this drug or any drug to free Cody from this prison.  Please, Lord, take these seizures once and for all.

Shawna